I haven’t written a top ten in a while and I want to, very badly. With it being Christmas Eve day, why not write this article?
The Top Ten ways to piss off your relatives this holiday season (In no particular order).
#10: Bring up Politics.
I’m typically the guy that gets goaded into this one. A big portion of my family is conservative and I’m, well, not. You can love your family very much but disagree with them on the public’s issues. But in the holiday season the line between love and let’s throw Aunt Diane’s crystal duck at their head gets really blurred.
#9: Get really really drunk.
Like The Hangover drunk. Wake up in New Jersey (and the party was in Maine) drunk. Make people question whether an intervention is necessary drunk. Tangent: I’ve stared at this screen for the last couple of minutes thinking about a third hangover movie: “The Hangover: The Holidays.” I wonder what type of shit would go down? Zach G as Santa is an obvious insert at some point. Hmm. Moving on.
#8: Break something.
I’m always freaked out that i am going to do something in this category. I am a big, clumsy oaf with a tendency to not pay attention to the things around me. Breaking something will piss someone off. Trust me.
Everyone has that one aunt they just wish would step away from the mic and sit down. Don’t be her.
#6: Eat all of something.
This is hard to do, but if you want someone to walk away from you in a huff; load up on those cheese puffs! People starve themselves for months prior to Christmas parties. If they don’t get that one holiday treat they have been having day dreams about, the odds are they won’t be too happy.
#5: Take a boatload of pictures.
This. Is. Me.
#4: Talk about the Prodigal member of the family.
Everyone has that one family member – the daughter backpacking her way through Europe, the son touring the tequila factories of rural Mexico – that they just do not want to speak of to the entire clan. Ever want to hear someone utter a string of hushed generalities? Bring up that kid.
#3: Get high.
…Why do i feel like i am pulling this from an eighties Christmas movie? I can’t for the life of me think of one that has people getting high. I can think of one or two recent movies. But anyways, this would be funny as hell. Do this, write in. Please.
#2: Pee outside
Bathroom lines are long. Like really long. You don’t want to have to wait ten minutes to just pee. Walk outside, Go to the edge of the property, right by the snow banks, and let er go.
#1: Say fuck a lot.
I have a tendency to do this. People don’t find it as endearing as Ozzy.