I had goals and I failed.
That sentence seems to be a defining quote of my life. The pandemic hit and I said I was going to be motivated. I was going to be on my Kevin Smith shit. I was going to write and be productive and show to the world around me that when a door closes coach can follow another path.
Cut to: Six-ish months later and the last thing I wrote was in April. I spent the majority of my coronacation watching Netflix (even if it was entertaining), playing essentially the same games on PlayStation (there were exceptions, I did manage to play some Final Fantasy selections I hadn’t had the time for), and lamenting the fact that I hadn’t written and promising that I would make the commitment tomorrow. The truth is, however, I’m a fucking liar. I lie. The most writing I did in my time away from this blog was a beat sheet on a story half of my body does not want to write (And the other half only likes it because it was the first idea I had – and to be honest, the whole exercise felt like a poor man’s therapy re: a situation I have played over in other things to death. I don’t want to touch that story anymore. At least not in a way that feels so fucking personal to me. So what do I have from my six month break from posting? Conflicted feelings from a doc I will never likely open again. Or, at this point, do not want to open again.
The looming question however is why now? Why am I writing now?
I’m awake. For the first time in awhile I feel awake. When I lost football back in the UNM days it utterly rocked my world because I had no clue who I was without it (enter lit and writing) and now, again – fuck Boethius, I feel as if I have the capacity to say the things I am thinking. Things annoy me again. I’m past the sucking it up and thinking of England period I was enraptured around. I want to rage once more.
Within that bit of rhetoric there are some things to talk about that I will hopefully be able to say in an appropriate manner over the course of the next couple of days. I have very clear opinions of who I want to be as a coach in my next go around. I want to talk about what I intend to do should another lockdown hit. I want to do a couple of prompts or free writes and see if I can write myself into a story I can become attached to.
We’ll see where this bit of energy takes me. Hopefully I will see you tomorrow.