The following was written as part of WordPress’ Weekly Writing Challenge.
When I lived in Albuquerque I had friends with kids and now that I am back on the east coast, I find myself going to more sporting events for relative’s children. The type of sporting events where everyone is “learning” and keeping score is not encouraged; The type of sporting events where the coach is a manic 35-year old who played said sport once in college and now feels like they are the love spawn of Tony La Russa and Bear Bryant; The type of sporting events where the stands are deafly silent in fear of showing any sort of emotion and having their child kicked out of the Super Mites League.
These types of Saturday outings are the bane of my existence. While I love the purity of sports and seeing kids learn them at the very beginning levels, there have to be ways to make it, well, funner. I came up with the following:
- Pre-game it: I just don’t understand why I can’t have a keg tapped outside of a tee-ball league game. If I have to watch your kid strike out 26 times prior to hitting the ball, can’t I have a sufficient level of alcohol in me whilst doing it? If your kid is playing like he is drunk, can’t I be drunk? It would make him/her look way better.
- Full on body paint: Think about the scene at a Saturday sporting event: Dads in polos and chinos, moms in their weekend jeans and fitted hoodies. How awesome would it be if you were to take the bleachers wearing cut-off shorts whilst donning a green stomach, eye black and a beer hat? The epic level would raise three points. (Lycra full body suit also acceptable).
- Heckle: Ok, first step, find the girl. Keeping saying non-sexist comments about her performance until the crowd around you is so enraged that said girl’s parents come up to you and ask “Why are you heckling our daughter?” Reply “Because she is playing like a fucking girl.”
- Order a pizza. Has anyone ever ordered delivery for a game at the game?
- Sing a solo rendition of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline.”
- Be overly insistent about starting a wave: I don’t think I have ever seen a wave done at a little league game. That’s why I firmly believe that if you are stuck at a child’s sporting event, you have to make that shit happen. I mean run from bleacher to bleacher and don’t leave until everyone does it. In the event you are able to get everyone to acquiesce, you need to run around the entire outfield fence (also called connecting the wave) and start over.
I’m sure there are probably more ways to amp up the levels of awesomeness, but this is a good start. Oh, and an addendum, if you should ever get kicked out of the game for these said acts, you must sit in your car and bump the following: