I really can’t wait for school to start up again. I am incredibly bored just hanging out, researching grad schools, playing on the computer and scouring Netflix in between the times when we have football workouts. I told myself I was going to do a bunch of reading and writing on this little one month break while things were stalled – that really didn’t happen. It kind of did. I think I focused on here a bit and I did start a couple of books. But for the most part there isn’t anything I can point to in this month of June and say I am proud of doing that.
I think that is where my head is buried at the moment. I stand seven classes short of a bachelors degree in English and I have no decisive clue what I actually want to do once I get that freaking piece of paper. Am I going to go write? Am I going to stay close to (and by that, I mean on) Cape Cod and teach (just so I can coach football). I need something I can do – like do, do – for money – and be proud of doing. If I spend all this time struggling to get this dumb piece of paper and then have to just work at some dumb job, what meaning does that give everything I have put myself through in these past (wow approaching) nine-ish years (wow).
Is there a difference between finding something you like doing versus something that makes you happy? I had a guidance counselor who told me that the only thing that really matters in the post-education world is finding something that makes you happy when you wake up. It made perfect sense to me at the time. And while I am probably just passing through a pre-Disney internship, nihilistic sort of sensibility; I, right now, can’t escape the fact that there is a possibility that people can go their entire lives and not find something that makes them happy. So they do things they like, or they’re good at and strive to achieve some sort of happiness even if it isn’t on the horizon for them.
This post turned a little dark. That’s kind of my go-to, though. I write dark well. Anyhoo, I hate that my favorite transition is anyhoo.